is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
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Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
You had me at “define legal”.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Thursday
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .