Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
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Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins