Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
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Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.