My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Oh hi lol
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.