I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
You Might Also Like
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!