[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
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Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
new wife guy just dropped
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.