[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
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my lower back watching me try to live my life
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
This probably isn’t good
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.