Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.