If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Yup
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.