i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Milk Cube
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
This made me smile…
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.