Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I have many caverns
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.