Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
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So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
The dark side of Canada
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
He is just living hist best little life 😊
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks