Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
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My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS