<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
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Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Employees must applaud the planets.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.