Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
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I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
#dalle2
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.