Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)