*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
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My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
the composer
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Ah..makes sense now
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…