Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
You Might Also Like
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Meow
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well