ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
crochet youtube is brutal