Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Who knew!
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”