Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.