I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
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My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats