And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
You Might Also Like
lost dog
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
you stereotypes are all alike
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.