(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
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You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space