My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.