“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?