I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
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It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.