[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
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Expectations vs. Reality
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won