The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or