If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
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#SuperBowl
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign