Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.