[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
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If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder