Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
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older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Why is no one talking about this?!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.