Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Good advice.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.