Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
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Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.