A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I saw nothing
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
tourist season
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.