I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.