[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Whisper out to librarians!
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Krampus.