ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
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*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship