Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
the three branches of government