The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.