When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.