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There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Do one person every day that scares you.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive