Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
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When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”