10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Morning my dudes.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?