Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
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Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
January has been Januweary
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*