*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
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Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon