My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
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One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.