I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here