I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
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Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.